Emotional Blackmail: 4 Toxic Profiles To Avoid

Emotional abuse usually occurs as an invisible web that the blackmailer weaves with our weaknesses to trap us. To break with this damaging dynamic, we need to leave the victim role behind and regain our ability to value ourselves for who we are.

Let’s look at an example. Carlos and Monica have been dating for a year. From time to time, he hints that they could live together, but Monica does not feel ready to take that step and rejects the proposal. He begins to pressure her: “If you don’t want to live with me, maybe you don’t love me …”. And later: “If you are unable to make a stronger commitment, maybe we should quit.”

She doesn’t want to lose it and ends up agreeing. With threats, Carlos has pressured Mónica to manipulate her emotions and force her to act in a certain way.

What is emotional blackmail?

It is a form of psychological abuse from which it is difficult to defend oneself, because for the blackmailer to be able to influence our emotions, there must be an affective closeness. That is why it is more common in the tightest links and it is so difficult to cut and it is so damaging.

Emotional blackmail is often expressed as: “If you don’t do this, this will happen,” a threat that persists over time and leads to a situation of domination. We can all suffer, even commit, subtle and sporadic emotional manipulations without being aware of it.

When this behavior becomes a habitual behavior and is prolonged, then we speak of emotional blackmail. At that time, a pattern is established in which the blackmailed person submits to the will of the blackmailer.

The consequences: the victim will be forced to act against his will, which will lead to personal stagnation, as well as emotional exhaustion and weakening of self-esteem.

How to deactivate a blackmailer?

To dismantle an emotional blackmail situation, the first step is to acknowledge it. But it is not always easy. Blackmailers seem to have a facility to identify the weak points of the other to, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of it.

There are even those who consider that there is no emotional blackmail if someone does not allow themselves to be blackmailed and that, in some way, the victims find satisfaction in submitting to this game. I don’t think it’s always like this. A person with no intention of being subdued can be “caught” in a web of emotional blackmail.

Certain personality characteristics can make us scapegoats:

• The tendency to blame ourselves
• Pretend to save others
• Avoid confrontations
• Wanting to be “well seen” by others …

It is not true that the victim of a blackmail is it voluntarily. But the responsibility for getting out of this situation falls on her, whose main responsibility is that she does not defend herself. Why do not you do it?

Surely at first he does not recognize the threat, since the attacks of the blackmailer focus on the points that the victim himself questions. That is why he usually agrees with him and thinks: “It’s true, I didn’t act well, I should have listened to him …”. And so it sinks more and more.

And when you acknowledge blackmail, you fear facing the consequences. The victim believes that he is at the mercy of the other, that a response on his part is not possible. But it’s not like that. “If you leave home, you won’t see the children anymore!” A blackmailer might say. “That a judge would never allow”, would be a reasonable answer.

How to respond to aggressions?

It is always possible to respond, individually or by resorting to legal and judicial institutions. When we understand that we are being threatened and that we are ready to defend ourselves, we will be ready to face blackmail: not giving in to their demands. There is no other way out.

It is possible to be very firm and very loving at the same time. Many blackmailers are because, deep down, they do not believe that someone can give them what they ask “out of good will.” This does not justify it, but it opens a door: one could let him know that his intention is not to abandon him.

By hearing these words, an emotional blackmailer can change his attitude. But at other times you will feel in danger and will intensify the blackmail. Then you have to get stronger and defend yourself with all means.

If the blackmailer does not depose his attitude, the change in the victim’s position may lead to the dissolution of the link. And even if there is affection involved, there may be no other alternative.

4 toxic profiles to keep away

There are 4 well-defined types of emotional blackmailer. Discovering their tricks and personal characteristics can help you overcome a situation of psychological and emotional blackmail.

The American therapist Susan Forward describes in her book Emotional Blackmail, four kinds of blackmailers according to the type of manipulation they use. Knowing them, even roughly, can help us.

1. The punishers

They threaten to retaliate if their demands are not acceded, stating openly: “If you separate from me, you will not see the children” or “Do not accompany me, but then do not complain if I end up with another.”

2. Self-injurious

They threaten to harm themselves – or even threaten to commit suicide – when they are upset: “If you let me, I will not answer for my life.” Threats can also occur without words, such as self-injurious behavior that appears consistently after a refusal.

3. The martyrs

They are the most subtle blackmailers, since they use the victim’s feeling of guilt to make him act in a certain way. This type of blackmailer usually uses expressions – always accompanied by an attitude of resignation – such as: “Don’t worry about me, I’ll stay here, I know I’m annoying everywhere …”.

4. The seducers

They use a kind of reverse blackmail: they tell us all the good things they will do for us … but, of course, only if we agree to their wishes: “You do what I tell you and you’ll see how you won’t have to worry about anything.”