How To Speak And Listen To Children

One of the first words our children learn is “no.” We attribute it to their spirit of opposition, but is it not because it is one of the words that we first teach them? “Don’t touch that”, “Don’t yell”, “Don’t move so much”.

Positive commands: “Come here” rather than “Don’t go up there” are usually more effective. However, they are still orders; we would be surprised to see how many of the things we say to our children are, in one way or another, orders: “Put on your coat”, “Wash your hands”, “Be still” … Try to count them the next time you go together to the park.

All human beings give orders to other human beings. And, almost always, they are obeyed if given properly. A waiter says: “The back table”, and bankers and ministers do it without question. If that same waiter said: “That you sit here, I tell you, and be quiet!” no one would obey him. It costs nothing to use a little diplomacy: “Look at that lizard!” Or “Are you coming to the swing?” they can be just as or more useful – and with much less risk of tantrum – than a direct order to interrupt dangerous activity.

But you have to go a step further, not talking to them and listening to them only when we want them to do or stop doing something, but simply to talk.

Rules of conversation with children

Sometimes when interacting with children we make a blatant mental reservation : “What a beautiful drawing” actually means, “What a beautiful drawing, considering that it is made by a small child without great artistic gifts.” But there are even better options.

Sometimes “how good” and “how beautiful” are pronounced without just taking a look at what they want to teach us. They are lies that do not fool a child.

Instead, we can sit down and spend a few minutes looking at the drawing, commenting on the recognizable lines (“Wow, you’ve drawn the chimney too … This must be the smoke, right?”), Or asking for information about the others (“And what is this here? Ah, of course, the trees! They are very original, blue trees, as if they were far away, now”), and above all leave time for your answers and explanations. Children are much happier than with a simple “very nice”, and we have not even had to tell lies.

Do you always have to be honest with children?

Sometimes it has been recommended to always tell the truth to your children. But, since we do not tell the truth – the whole truth and nothing but the truth – to almost anyone, why make an exception precisely with our children?

Many times we limit ourselves to telling a summary, an approximation or an adapted and sweetened version of the truth. How do you explain complex and unpleasant family quarrels to a five-year-old? A simple enough is enough: “Uncle Eduardo can’t come with your cousins ​​this Christmas.”

At a certain age, a little lie can be much more acceptable than the naked truth: “The sweets have run out” or “I have no coins left” (in front of the electric horse). We also use similar loopholes in dealing with adults. It would be almost sadistic to insist on the simple truth: “No, I don’t want to give you candy”, “No, I won’t let you ride the horse.”

But it is also possible to go one step further and find a suitable evasion : “I wish the sweets weren’t bad for the teeth, so we could eat every day!” The art of evasive response requires great mental agility and years of practice ; It is not surprising that children do not master it and that they are reduced, more often than adults, to simple lies.

When they tell us that they have already washed their hands and have not done it, are we going to explode with moral indignation, talking about “lies” and “deceptions”, or can we accept that they too try not to hurt our feelings?

There are other lies that we must avoid by all means : those that are not told to respect their feelings but precisely to hurt them (“You are very ugly when you cry”, “If you behave badly, mother will not love you”) and those that they constitute a betrayal of his trust (“No, the doctor is not going to prick you”, when we know that today it is the vaccine).

But perhaps the most absurd lie of all is the one that leaves us in a bad place. Lying to hide our virtues and seem interested and mean? When we say “If you pick up the room, on Saturday we will go to the park”, is it not true that we will go to the park anyway because we like to enjoy a weekend, because we love her and we want to see her laugh?

Well, if you take your daughter to the park out of pure and disinterested love, let her know, don’t make her believe that it is an incentive plan. And let her know that she has selflessly picked up her room, because she loves us and wants us to be happy, and not to get a prize in return.

Stop judging

It is important not to confuse acts with the “moral character” of a person. For example, when a child does not pick up toys, it is very different to say “You have not picked up the toys” than “You are messy.”

• The first is an objective verification. We can add a comment about how that fact makes us feel (“I’m angry because you haven’t picked up the toys”), although the tone of voice or gesture is usually enough to show that we didn’t like that they didn’t pick up.
• Instead, the second sentence is a moral judgment. We are directly attacking him as a person. Some children will react with logical anger, others will end up accepting the label, but all will feel hurt.

Think about it for yourself: It is not the same for your boss to tell you “This report needs some changes” than “You are incompetent.” Let’s make an effort to avoid labels, both when we talk to the child and when we talk about him. He is not “a crybaby” but “sometimes he cries”. Instead of “Don’t be a bully,” try “You shouldn’t push your little cousin, he’s little.” Instead of a “Look, you’re lazy”, what does a simple “Come on, finish your homework, we have to have dinner” cost?

11 ways to prevent a vase from breaking: which one do you choose?

1. The prohibition: “Don’t touch that.”
2. The baroque prohibition: “But how many times do I have to tell you not to touch that?”
3. The insulting ban: “But are you deaf or what? Be still, you have me fed up! ”.
4. The threat : “As you touch it, you will find out.”
5. The rhetorical question: “Is it nice to touch the vase?”
6. Violence unleashed: A slap, so that he learns not to touch vases. (And, for him to learn not to hit, what will we do?).
7. The prophecy: “You are going to break it …”.
8. The information : “The vase is not for playing, it can be broken.”
9. The distraction: “But look what a cool car, brrr, brrr …!”.
10. Prevention : Play or do something before he gets bored and starts touching vases.
11. Protection: Keep it where you can’t touch it.

Do you think that all these strategies would be equally successful, both to protect the vase and to maintain the good atmosphere in the house? Are there any you want to avoid ? Well, with a little effort, you will.