7 Essential Points To Build A Couple’s Project

Living with a loved one means starting a common project in which you have to reach agreements, from where to live to whether you want to have children. Finding the balance between the vital plans of each one will allow love to continue to grow.

How to build a life project with your partner

There is no doubt that love is as necessary as the air we breathe. The loving bonds that occur in our life, from the very birth, allow us to love and feel loved. In all our love relationships there are those movements of the heart without which we could not survive, at least in a life that is worthwhile.

One day we feel that a special relationship has come to us in which something different happens, something that pushes us to try to build a lasting, stable relationship, perhaps for life. The seed of a couple appears. However, that seed, made of the vibrations we feel when the other “takes us to heaven”, needs to take root in the earth to germinate. Those roots are made of the needs of two individuals who build a life together day by day. The sum, throughout a life, of this day to day, concrete and earthly, is, neither more nor less, than the vital project.

Your project, mine and ours

The life project is not born with the couple. Before being in a couple, we all have a life project. And I say that we have it – whether we have proposed it or not – because the project is the way we would like to live. We all have tastes, ambitions and dreams that shape the ideas about the place that each thing occupies in our concrete lives. We usually have ideas about what work means, money and its management, where we want to live, the style and type of social life we ​​want to lead, how many children we would like to have (if we want to have them) … All this is creating our life project. We do not know for sure what will happen to us, but each one works so that real life and personal project resemble and coincide as much as possible.

When we approach someone and the meeting of hearts occurs, the spark of love is born, but two life projects have also been found (or misunderstood). For these two people, who experience the pleasure of vibrating with the same frequency in love, to become a couple, they need to share a common life project; otherwise, there is no partner. Then three projects appear: yours, mine and ours.

The quality of life of the couple or, directly, the possibility of their existence depends on the way in which the coexistence of these three projects is resolved.

Sometimes the consideration of the project is underestimated because “love can do everything.” However, taking one of my favorite metaphors again, we need to find out if one is a bird and the other is a fish, because a fish and a bird can fall in love, but where are they going to live?

Everyone’s wishes

Generally, before making the decision to form a life together, enough time passes for the tastes, ambitions and dreams of each one to come to light, that is, personal life projects in all their details. Sometimes there are decisions that are presented very clearly, as if they were in writing: “Once married I want to move to the country.” But everything is not always so clear. Most of the time we become aware of the other’s project model throughout the coexistence. It is then when the desires of each one emerge and how we want to work to achieve them.

It is important to pay attention to what moves within us when the other tells about their projects: we will see if they are alike, if they are curious and disturb us or if they generate rejection. Little by little, we discover how much personal plans coincide. From these coincidences, the common project arises.

I would not like it to be deduced from this that the ideal couple is one that has identical projects, which totally overlap.

It doesn’t have to be that way, on the contrary. Naturally, it is necessary that a part of the projects overlap, coincide, forming what is going to be the common project; but it is very enriching that each one conserves a personal part, places where they can nourish themselves outside the couple, that provide variation and fresh air.

Accept differences

Thus, they do not have to share hobbies: she can distract herself by painting and he can do it by playing sports. Differences, when mutually accepted and supported, can teach us many things, even if they sometimes surprise or perhaps frighten us. Of course, if that “fresh air” is to go out with friends every night until dawn, it will be necessary to see how enriching it seems to those who stay at home.

There is no measure that defines how much personal projects have to coincide to form a common one. When the couple is made up of two very independent people, they probably need freedom of movement and their own projects occupy an important part and those in common, a smaller part.

Similarly, careful attention must be paid to the harmony of common plans. If one plans to have children and the other does not – or if only one wants to live abroad – the couple will find themselves in difficulties.

Harmonization or submission

Most people choose to live as a couple despite the great challenge that this represents. Sharing the joys and sorrows of everyday life, containment, caress and encouragement are food for the soul. But for this climate to occur, the couple must also be a place of personal growth and expansion for both of them.

For this reason, everyone’s personal plans need to be realized, at least partially. Perhaps there can be no simultaneous growth of personal projects but alternate; But what is harmful is the total resignation of one of the members, voluntarily or not, to their own project based on the other. If one sacrifices all desires, sooner or later that “will take its toll.” There can be no submission or domination.

Couples structured in this way carry within them the germ of their own destruction.

This does not mean that one cannot have a position of respect towards the other’s plans and change one’s own projects to satisfy whoever we want. But it must be an authentic movement from the heart and not an imposition that is experienced as torture. When it is a movement of the heart, the own postponement of personal plans is compensated by seeing the other happy. On the other hand, if it continues to be torturous, we will have to know that no one endures eternal suffering.

Share the meaning of life

None of this should prompt us to become lawyers now trying to make the other sign a contract on how life as a couple is going to develop. The truth is that we do not even know how our own life is to develop. It is precisely this not knowing that makes it fascinating.

We cannot become fanatics of our projects, that is, of material achievements only. Thus, life can become very boring. It is useless to reach the goal smiling for the photo where we pose next to the house, the car, the two children and the dog if love is gone, even if we have a “signed and sealed” life project contract.

Although it sounds obvious, love is the main thing. Notwithstanding this, we can review our plans. Perhaps it is enough to remain open to see, if by meeting, we really meet, if we look in the same direction. Otherwise, as Fritz Perls said, if by meeting we do not meet, there is nothing to do. Because, ultimately, it is about sharing the same meaning of life.

7 questions for a satisfying life together

1. What city will we live in?

Will we live in the city center or on the outskirts? Or better in the field? And abroad? Choosing where to live can be an exciting game but, at times, it involves a change that can be experienced as a loss that negatively affects one of the two members.

2. Will we have children?

The first question that arises in relation to children is whether there is agreement in having them or not. Both members of the couple may want to have children, but how many? And later, you have to think about how to educate them, that is, specify the educational criteria that will be followed or choose the schools they will go to.

3. How do we use the money?

There are many ways to organize the finances of a couple, although, in general, it is derived from what we have learned in the family model. Who puts the money? Do both members of the couple work or just one? How does each one feel whether the other works or not? Does everything go to a common bag or are separate economies established? How are expenses decided? What is the level of independence to spend the money? Some of these issues may seem trivial, but money – and the power it entails – has sparked many disputes.

4. What is the place of work?

The role of work, what place it occupies in the day to day and in life itself, is an issue that should be discussed with the couple, since work and professional development take a large part of the time and energy of each of them. U.S. The rest of the time is left for the couple and everything else, but the two members need to know if they accept that “rest. “

5. What social life do we want?

There are lonely people and others who like to be in constant contact with people, either personally or at parties. If there is a lot of difference in criteria, one can feel isolated or invaded, depending on the case. We must talk about what we like and understand the perspective of who we want to find a way of agreement.

6. What role does each family have?

It is important to observe, in advance, the role that the families of origin occupy in each member of the couple, the type of treatment and the degree of dependency or interference that each member is willing to accept. Disagreement on this point usually leads to a relationship crisis.

7. Do we respect fidelity?

There are people who require different types of freedom, which can go as far as the approach of some form of free love. It is a sensitive issue and the decision is very personal. However, in the event that the need for this type of freedom is expressed, the desire must be mutual and this type of “open-door love” should be previously accepted by both.