When Mom And Dad Don’t Agree

For more than ten years, I have combined my work in consultation with the dissemination of the latest knowledge about child psychology and natural or respectful parenting.

After reading some of my articles, watching one of my videos or attending one of my talks or workshops, many mothers consult me ​​anxiously commenting that they are going through especially delicate moments of crisis with their partners.

The situation that I am faced with, in most cases, is similar. In general, they describe to me an increase in arguments and a distancing with their partners to the point of having thought about separation.

Children as the origin of crises

When we investigate a little more about the crisis they are going through, we realize that it usually has its origin in the arrival of children and that it manifests itself in an especially virulent way in the differences in the parenting style that each member of the couple believes suitable for the education of your little ones.

Often, in the couples who are confronted about the optimal way to raise their children, the disagreements increase as the children grow older.

The inequalities between the couple are manifested in a much more evident way.

In the beginning, when they are babies, it is easier for everyone to understand that their little ones are defenseless beings and that they need a lot of care and continuous attention. But that changes over time.

As the children get older , more complex situations begin to arise regarding the parenting style that each one wants to practice.

Why do contradictions arise in relation to parenting?

The arrival of a baby is a momentous change in the life of a couple and each member, depending on their personal history and the backpack they carry, assumes it differently.

In the cases that I have received in consultation, the father tends to choose to repeat the type of oppressive education received in his own childhood.

The mother, for her part, tends to worry about reading, researching and questioning all matters related to education and child rearing.

Although many of these mothers come from traditional families and received a rigid and authoritarian education, thanks to the arrival of their baby, they embark on a path of personal evolution that brings them closer to an upbringing that is much more attached and respectful of the needs and rhythms of their children. .

For now, it is much more infrequent and unusual for the father to worry about researching the personal changes that the arrival of a son brings. They continue to repeat, without hardly questioning it, the educational style of their families.

In general, they prefer to wish that everything remains the same as before they became parents.

As children grow, the mother evolves, learns and changes harmful patterns in the bond with her children, while many parents remain stuck wishing that their relationship would be similar to when they met.

The case of Diana, Carlos and their son Adrián

In consultation there are many cases of this type that I have attended in recent years. One of the most recent is that of Diana and Carlos, parents of Adrián (6 years old).

Diana began looking for information on respectful childbirth, breastfeeding, and attachment parenting upon becoming pregnant. He changed many of his preconceived attitudes about parenting, even opposing the voices of his family that predicted the greatest catastrophes if he did not “get in the way” with his son.

Carlos, for his part, did not read anything that his partner showed him. Although Diana printed 10 copies of an article on the negative effects of punishment for him and distributed them to him in different parts of the house, he refused to take a look at it.

The young man was reluctant to any change, he was convinced that his parents raised him well and he did not see it necessary to change his traditional parenting style.

When Adrián turned 6 years old, Carlos made his threats and punishments even tougher. He alluded to the fact that the boy was old and accused Diana of having spoiled him too much.

Day by day, the differences between the two were more apparent. When they came to my office, they had reached a point where they raised the separation.

Free yourself from toxic patterns

Many couples break up, due to this estrangement. It must be assumed that life will not be the same as before the arrival of the children and, if one of the members is not willing to change, the break will be inevitable.

The breakup does not occur when the most reluctant member of the couple decides to start a process of personal therapy to free themselves from their toxic patterns and not negatively influence their children.

This is what happened with Carlos. The young man understood that certain attitudes of his parents were not correct and he worked in therapy to find healthier alternatives for everyone.

As a result of her work, both the relationship with Diana and the bond with Adrián improved to the point that the couple decided to stay together.