What Is The Bonsai Effect In Psychological Abuse And How To Recognize It

A few years ago, forensic psychiatrist Miguel Llorente Acosta devised the metaphor of the “Bonsai effect” to refer to cases of subtle and insidious psychological abuse, in which the abuser is undermining the self-esteem of his partner and cutting off all social and work relationships .

The abuser´s objective is to create a dependent relationship in which the only support of the victim in the world is him.

How the abuser works to create the Bonsai effect

When talking about the cultivation of bonsai, it must be borne in mind that this is not a type of dwarf tree, but rather it is a normal tree whose roots and branches are systematically pruned to prevent its growth. In this type of cultivation it is even possible to atrophy the normal development of the tree, to prune the new shoots that grow each spring.

In the same way, the abuser cuts off every initiative of his wife to make her feel isolated and useless. Usually:

• He persuades you to quit your job and stay home.
• He doesn’t let her go out with her friends.
• She speaks ill of her family members in order to separate her from them.

Over time, the woman ends up losing her entire social support network and the abuser makes her see him as the only one who cares for and protects her.

• It makes him believe that only he cares about her. At the same time that it undermines the social and work life of the victim, the abuser maintains the illusion of his role as a benevolent protector with small shows of attention and with false promises (which he never keeps). He manipulates her so that she thinks that others do not appreciate her and that he is the only one who truly cares for her and loves her.
• Try to lower their confidence. He uses devious strategies and false words to undermine his wife’s confidence and self-esteem. His goal is that the victim ends up thinking that his life depends on him. As Miguel Llorente says: “The same person who is destroying the bonsai is the same person who allows it to stay alive.”

How to get out of this loop: Susana’s real testimony

Susana was in this situation when she came to my office. In her first session, Susana, who was close to turning 50, told me that she felt without wanting to do anything and without enthusiasm for life. Her children had already gone out to study and she spent many hours alone at home, not knowing very well what to do.

As a young woman, Susana had studied Agricultural Engineering, but she never came to practice because she married shortly after finishing her degree and dedicated herself to taking care of the house and the children, who soon began to arrive.

Her husband, an executive in a multinational company, convinced her that it would be more suitable and profitable for the family for him to work abroad, while she stayed at home taking care of everything.

Due to her husband’s work, the family had to spend a lot of time living in different countries, so the friendships were diluted (there was no Zoom 10 or 15 years ago). In addition, he did not like her family either, and, little by little, Susana lost contact with her parents and siblings.

The result was that, after a few years, Susana found herself living in isolation, thousands of kilometers from her home, without a job and taking care of the house and the children alone. “Now I realize how much I have sacrificed for him,” he told me after finishing one of his sessions.

As we can see, in a very progressive way, the “gardener” pruned the branches and roots of “his” tree until it was reduced to a minimum and made it feel totally dependent.

The abuser makes his partner believe that he is nothing without him. However, with proper care, a bonsai can be transplanted into the ground so that it develops its full potential and can grow into a normal and healthy tree. Its tree essence is always present, it is never lost. It is false that it will die without the care of the gardener who cut off its growth.

Starting from this base for her therapy, the work with Susana focused on understanding all the small prunings that her personality had suffered, throughout the years of living with her husband, and on understanding that the signs of affection that he He offered after the fights, they were not sincere, but it was his way of keeping her trapped in her little pot, “alive”, but without letting her grow.

Little by little, Susana came to understand what her husband really was like and how, for years, he had manipulated her to isolate her and keep her in check.

At the same time that she freed herself from the psychological prison in which her partner had locked her, Susana became empowered, so she was finally able to connect with her essence and with what she really wanted to do with her life. After a few months of therapy, she began the divorce proceedings and went to live in her parents’ village, where she was able to develop the organic farming project that she had had in mind since she was young.