Do You Feel Emotionally Safe?

People often ask me about the magic potion of emotional security for myself or for tricks to help develop it in others. Whereupon, as a therapist, I always start by warning that there are no shortcuts. It is part of our process of personal growth and transformation and, as such, requires systematic internal audit processes, a continuous introspective look and, above all, a huge, strenuous and strenuous effort.

Emotional security is a feeling of satisfaction. We feel comfortable realizing that we have been able to become the person we want to be and have built a healthy and nurturing environment around us. The absence or presence of this inner trait reverses in all spaces of our life: in the relationships we establish, the decisions we make, the challenges we face, the choices we make and the attitudes we adopt.

Ivan Joseph – athletic director and head of one of the most formidable sports management, strategy, and leadership programs in American universities – says that parents often approach him to ask what he appreciates in young people for scholarships at their university. Of all the skills boys may possess, the one he seeks is self-confidence and self-assurance.

He believes the key in sport , as in so many other areas of life – is the ability to practice to infinity. For Joseph that is the key to developing emotional security. Often after the second failure, people give up and throw in the towel. And it is not possible to separate self-confidence from perseverance.

Overcome obstacles

Despite the desire of people to reach this state, the magnitude of the desire is not always proportional to the will to undertake, with determination and perseverance, the required sacrifices. Not surprisingly, Thomas A. Edison made about 10,000 attempts before finding the blessed incandescent light bulb.

Who knows how many frustrated attempts preceded the invention that made the brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright go down in the annals of aviation history. JK Rowling, author of the famous Harry Potter saga, sent the original manuscript of her work to twelve publishers before it was accepted. I wonder how many of us would have given up after the third or fourth refusal.

In the different stages of the life cycle, emotional security is worked on and developed in different ways. During childhood and adolescence it is of extraordinary importance that our environment is ordered by the establishment of clear behavioral limits. That adults accompany in these arts in an effective way, being affectionate and delicate in the forms, but firm and consistent in the background, is an engine that generates a sense of protection and security during childhood and its effects will last throughout the adulthood of any person, because the rules of behavior lead us to act correctly with respect to the tasks of each of the stages that we live.

And that is, without a doubt, a reason for great joy and vital contentment for any individual, regardless of age, because there is nothing more comforting and restorative than feeling competent in doing what we consider right, overcoming the challenges of each age. .

As an adult, emotional security is not forged so much through limits as through challenges overcome and small and great successes achieved during life. The same acts are the clear demonstration of the ability to carry them out.

Being able to establish strong bonds of affection with the family, make good choices regarding friends and partner, complete training or learn a trade, stabilize in a job, incorporate the lessons that underlie mistakes, overcome the adversities of the life, growing and becoming a better person every day … are some of the sources that inspire emotional security.

The inner critic

To this same end, it is essential to modulate and reconvert the ruthless critic within us into a positive voice. How often do I hear this demand in my consultation: ” I would like you to help me be more secure. ” The deficit of emotional security is responsible for the making of innumerable erroneous determinations and, therefore, the cause of most of our vital disasters.

It is the main source of the mistreatment to which we submit ourselves, by imputing the demerit of not knowing how to be better. A clear example of this are some couple choices, in which intuition and common sense often alert us that this relationship does not suit us; But the fateful inner critic insists on warning us that we will not find anything better.

But beware! Lest we despise feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, failure, disappointment, sadness, or regret, and underestimate their role and value. Is the inner discomfort properly managed the great ally that should lead to reflection, to the development of conscience about our Achilles heels and pending, and identification efforts and the steps we must take to travel the roads The overcoming.

Being positive and escaping from any adverse feelings has become a form of “moral correctness” – in the words of Susan David in her book Emotional Agility (Sirio, 2018) -. And yet, no one has managed to redirect important aspects of his life – adding value to his experience and generating meaning and satisfaction – if it weren’t for the intensity of his regret and frustration.

Emotionally secure people …

They are committed to their own and others’ needs. They are able to set small goals, for which they gradually strive to achieve them.

They are people affected by a lower state of stress, inasmuch as they are efficient in identifying which issues deserve their attention and concern, and what other matters are secondary and do not require great mental dedication.

In conflict situations they tend to be good managers, because they have empathy and detachment. They can put themselves in each other’s shoes to experience a different perspective than their own, while taking distance so as not to become too fused with the situation and its complexities.

They generate greater cohesion in the groups of which they are part. With an open mind and a predisposition to unity among equals, they generate healthy dynamics, maintaining and strengthening their diversity.

The performance of teams made up of emotionally secure people is higher than average. Their social skills and gifts to transcend self-interest for the common good incline them to this. Likewise, their performances generate greater job satisfaction. They enjoy feeling that they contribute to the well-being of others.