“I Was Raised To Be A Pretty Girl”

Silvia was a young girl (she was not in her thirties) who came to my office because she could not find anything in life that would make her happy. She felt listless, empty inside.

Advancing in her therapy, in a session, Silvia connected with a memory that she, paradoxically, had always told as a funny anecdote. However, in reality, this event produced a profound emotional impact on him, on an unconscious level. In that session, we were able to discover all the implications that this scene had on his life.

–Tell me, Silvia, what scene do you remember?
“It was at a family reunion.” I liked to sing from a very young age, they told me that I was good at it. I remember my parents asking me to sing something to show the family how I do it. I stand in the center of the room and begin with one of the songs that I liked the most.

-What happens then?
– I’m a little nervous, it’s not the same to sing at home as in front of the whole family. Everyone is looking at me and I notice how my hands start to sweat. My mouth and throat feel a little tighter than usual, but I ignore it. My parents are looking at me and I want them to be proud of me, so I focus and keep singing.

– And later?
– Because of the nerves, I forget a phrase. I pause a little and go back. Then I see that my cousins ​​start laughing and my aunts look at each other. I feel my mother’s gaze. He doesn’t say anything, but his gaze is telling me to keep going. But it is a tense look.

“What does that tense look on your mother tell you?”
-They are always worried about what others think. I know that she wants to look good in front of the family and that I have to comply. I must continue. My mother wants me to continue.

–Look, Silvia, until now we have been watching the scene from outside, like a movie. Now I want you to go see what happens inside that girl, what she feels at that moment.
–I feel an enormous inner tension. It is as if there is a struggle between what my parents want and what I want. My parents want to look good but they do it through me, my singing. And I feel a lot of shame and anger for what is happening, for the cousins ​​who do not stop laughing at me, making fun of me, and for my parents, who force me to sing.

“What would you get if your parents were proud of you?”
-Well, that they love me, that they take care of me. So in the end, I always swallow my shame and focus on pleasing them. I’ve always tried hard and I’ve done everything I can to make them love me (after a moment’s pause, Silvia breaks down crying).

“You don’t feel loved …
” It was like a doll in their hands, they directed my life (she continues crying, realizing the great influence that her parents have projected on her).

–In your current life, what is left of that pattern of pleasing so that they are proud of you?
– Much remains in my present. I’m still trying to please and please my parents. I don’t do anything that I know they don’t like or that might upset them. I have the idea that you have to please others.

“All my life, I have worked hard to do what I was supposed to do and to make everyone happy.”

“Knowing all this, what would you do if you could go talk to that girl?” What would you say?
-I would tell her that it is not worth so much effort to please others, if that means going against what she feels. That is going to do you a lot of damage in the long run. I would tell you to start listening to yourself and stop giving so much importance to what other people want. It is not worth it, that is not going to make them love her more …

“What did the others want?”
“They have always done the same to me.” I had to be immaculate, with the perfect princess clothes. I had to set an example and not stain myself like the others. One summer, a friend of mine was celebrating her birthday at her country house. Her parents invited their friends and their families to spend the day in a big house with a huge lot.

“Why do you think you have remembered this scene?” How does it relate to what we saw in the previous session?
“Well, my mother always insisted that I wear a dress.” I was my mother’s showcase. It must have been the “pretty girl.” I had to look pretty and I couldn’t get dirty. He had to set an example. I remember him telling me that he couldn’t go “like anybody.” What nonsense is that? What did it mean to go as anybody? I was a child.

– What happened that birthday day in the field?
“He made me wear a white dress.” I wanted to wear jeans and a T-shirt, but she said that this was not for ladies, that I had to be elegant. In the end, she insisted so much that I let myself be convinced and put on the dress that my mother wanted.

“What happens, then, at the party?”
–That all my friends play and run, but I can’t keep up with them. I even remember there was a huge tree that everyone climbed, but I couldn’t climb because I was wearing a dress and I didn’t want to stain it or break it.

“I once got dirty and the scolding my mother gave me was tremendous.”

“And what about the girl?” How does it feel inside?
–Fatal, it is getting worse. As time passes and he gets older, he becomes more aware of the unfairness of the situation. She feels more and more burdened and pressured by her parents. Again, she keeps all the frustration to herself, but this time she’s much angrier.

–And what do you do?
“Even though I’m angry, I don’t say anything.” I even tell myself that the others are crazy about climbing trees. I think that, over time, I took it as normal that I couldn’t play with others, that I should be more responsible and behave well.

– And in your present, how does that thought influence you?
– I am the formality in person. Well dressed, polite, looking good with everyone. Always accommodating and folded to others. Jo, the truth is that I do not like to see myself like this.

-Why?
-Because I keep repeating my parents’ scheme. I continue to behave as if I were his mannequin, adjusting to what others are supposed to expect of me. Once again I am fulfilling what my parents want.

–And what about you, then, with what you want?
“There is no room for what I want.” I have been so focused on the outside that I have forgotten about myself. I have forgotten about that girl (begins to cry). It makes me very sad to see all the time I have wasted.

“He could have done so many things, but he always had to deliver!”

–Now that you are understanding the weight of your parents’ ideals, what do you think of the birthday scene in the country, looking at it with your adult eyes?
“I think it was totally unfair.” A girl is a girl, she needs to play and get dirty. She cannot be forced to behave like a porcelain doll.

–Now, Silvia, you can deactivate those ideas that you assumed from your parents and look for yours, what you really want to do. You can start practicing, for example, with what you would have liked to do that birthday.
–The first thing I would do is change my clothes. I put on some jeans and any T-shirt, one that can easily stain, and then I’m going to climb the tree. I don’t feel like staying on the floor any longer, being the pretty girl. Nothing happens to enjoy life (begins to smile).

“Feel, now, the girl, her attitude, what she wants to do …
” I’m up the tree, with my friends, playing and laughing. From there, I yell at my parents: “Hey, there you have the dress (I left it on the ground). I’m going to play, I’m going to have a good time. No more pleasing everyone. I have to please myself ”.