If You Understand, They Understand You

On a park bench, off the beaten path, a woman in her thirties sat alone, staring blankly. At one point, her eyes flooded and the first tears streamed down her face. Suddenly, he heard a voice at his side that said:

“Something tells me it’s not your best day, would it help to talk about it?”

The woman, surprised, turned, and found an older man, looking like an old professor, and with a warm expression on his face. She hadn’t heard him arrive, much less sit next to her.

He hesitated: how could he tell his troubles to a complete stranger? Yet the gleam in his eyes told her that she could trust him. This, coupled with the fact that they were alone, encouraged her to open up.

“My name is Sara, and I just had a run-in with my two sisters.”

The man replied:

“My name is Max, and I’m all ears …”

“I’ll tell you: we are three sisters, I am the little one, and we have had our mother ill for three years.” I had been asking them to have a meeting for some time to organize ourselves, because they don’t do anything and I do practically everything without them even knowing about it. Today we had that meeting, and the meeting ended fatally.

“What exactly happened?”

—Well, it’s very simple: I have tried to explain to them that I take care of everything, with the medical visits, the tests, the home logistics, the medicines … that I am the only one who takes care of her, but they have left me practically no talk. They contested everything without even listening to me.

Max did listen carefully , he realized that there was more anger than sadness in those tears. Sara finished her explanation:

—It is clear that they do not put themselves in my skin, that they do not understand me.

For Max that last statement was extremely important, and maintaining a respectful silence he allowed Sara to have a few moments of reflection. Only then did he propose:

-Lets take a walk?

When they were already taking the first steps down the road, Max said:

“Tell me, why do you think your sisters don’t do anything?”

-I do not know the motive. I just know they don’t. They haven’t set foot in Mom’s house in the last three weeks.

“What did they tell you at the meeting about it?”

“Nothing that I remember, because they just denied everything I told them.”

“Tell me, what are your sisters’ names?”

—Vero and Carmen.

“Well, let’s make a game: I’m going to ask you to live in his skin for a few moments.”

Sara didn’t see the meaning of all this, but at that point she let herself be carried away. He felt that there was something special about Max and that he could get something valuable out of it all. They sat down again, Max asked Sara to close her eyes and step into Vero’s skin.

He gave her very specific instructions: he asked her to try to think like Vero, not Sara, and to answer her questions with what Vero would answer, not her. Then he asked:

“Verro, what are you doing for your mother?”

“Ummm … I really work so hard that I can’t go see her much.” I would love to but I can not.

“Is there something you do for your mother that you think your sisters don’t understand?” The question caught Sara off guard, who needed a long time to answer.

“No, nothing special,” he said.

To which Max replied:

“It’s not Vero who’s talking, it’s Sara.” And I want to hear from Vero, so I’ll repeat the question: Is there something you do do for your mother that you think your sisters don’t realize?

Sara concentrated, and suddenly, vehemently, said:

-Yeah right! I pay for your attendance. I can do it because I have a good job and I can afford it, and I know it would be a problem for my sisters.

They paused. Max had the information he was looking for and then asked him to put himself in Carmen’s shoes, and they repeated the exercise:

“Carmen, what are you doing for your mother?”

“I’m going to see her very little, really … but time is always on me.”

“And is there something you think your sisters don’t understand about you?”

Again, Sara needed a long time to think about the answer, but this time she was not going to answer as Sara, but as Carmen. And with a small voice, he finally said:

“I think they think I’m a mess, and they don’t trust me.” That’s why they do everything, and that’s why I don’t do anything either.

Max let the words sink deep into her and, returning to the reality of the moment, said:

“Sara, you have heard Vero and Carmen’s voice.” How do you see things now?

“The situation is different.” I think I partly understand them. And I suppose that if I want them to understand me, I have to understand them too …

“That is the great truth, and let me still correct something; I would put it like this: if you want them to understand you, first you have to understand them.

First understand, then be understood. This is the order, and the way in which conflicts can be resolved.

Sara fully connected with the idea. And he realized immediately that in the meeting he had only fought to make Vero and Carmen understand his vision, without paying the slightest attention to theirs. She realized that when Max had forced her to connect with the vision of them, she suddenly saw them differently, because she understood them. And this allowed him to imagine a very different dialogue with them. How simple! First understand, then be understood. For her the process was clear, but a question arose:

“Max, will they understand me if I understand them first?”

“This is almost always the case.” And in any case, it is the only way. If they don’t, they wouldn’t do it either way.

Sara closed her eyes again and this time, in her own skin, she relived the meeting again. And it really was very different. I wanted to recognize Vero for his financial effort and appreciate Carmen’s help.

And she was sure, she had not the slightest doubt, that they would understand her. A smile touched her lips and she intended to thank Max for the revealing exercise and his help.

However, when he opened his eyes, Max had disappeared. He could not see even a trace of their footprints on the road.