The Art Of Living As A Couple Or How To Build Love

When we fall in love, we feel that we are overwhelmed by enthusiasm, illusion … and also the ignorance of the other. For true love to make its way, you must accept the differences that arise when you know each other thoroughly.

The beginning of a relationship

Alicia dreams of a practical man with great ambitions, until she falls in love with a carefree, bohemian man who is enraptured by his own dreams. After the first times of enthusiasm and dazzling, when the relationship stabilizes, he begins to feel dissatisfied, he worries about his future with him and he reproaches him for his lack of initiative and his volatile spirit.

Sergio has finally found the person with whom to build a couple and they are moving forward with their project of a life together.

In the coexistence it is seen that she is very sociable, that she loves to go out with friends or schedule weekend outings that include others. Sergio prefers the homey and lonely life. His plans point to domestic and intimate dinners, to share feelings of two.

All this begins to generate tensions and disputes, as if each felt that the other is determined to spoil their expectations and illusions.

When Carlos and Adriana met, they were dazzled by the number of coincidences between them: they had traveled to the same places and met the same people, they had cried in the same scenes from the same movies, they shared their favorite writers and their love for the same dishes of Thai cuisine.

But after a while, Adriana began to feel uncomfortable with some of Carlos’s characteristics, such as a certain greed or his long silences. He told him. He recognized it and stated that he would like to change, but could not achieve it.

Carlos would also want Adriana to be less critical, more flexible, because that would give him more peace of mind, it would make him feel less demanded.

And you, do you recognize any of those characteristics in yourself? Would you be willing to work to transform it into the good of the relationship?

The art of harmonizing differences

Living harmoniously as a couple is not a matter of magic or luck. It is actually an art. And we could define it as the art of harmonizing differences. The three situations with which this article begins are just a small example that shows us how differences affect love life.

The more you live with someone, the more you know him and he knows you, the greater the display of everything that makes you different

A relationship is a rich and complex mosaic in which the differences between two human beings are manifested. Coexistence leads – beyond their will, their desire or even their conscience – to each of these people showing themselves in all their facets.

The myth of the better half

Of course, the first thing that attracts two people and makes them choose each other are their similarities. These feed the illusion of having found the mythical “better half”.

But love is not built with orange stockings.

A better half is half of something, it is not a unit or a complete thing. It could only be a unit if it found the other half. Meanwhile it will only be, let’s put it like this, “0.50”. Finding the lost half, he must cling to it so that he is never “less than one” again. And in the relationship of a couple, this generates the risk of a dependency or submission relationship.

A basic requirement of the art of living as a couple is to remember that each one is whole and represents the totality of himself.

But totality does not mean perfection. There are no perfect beings. Each person is the most complete version of himself and the most up-to-date. In this way, a couple is born from two whole beings who are chosen among thousands of other people for certain, although often subtle, mysterious reasons.

There they begin a joint path that will lead them to a successful conclusion to the extent that, in addition to enjoying their similarities, they begin to recognize and explore their differences, their diversity.

When a relationship is prolonged and both are attentive to it, they will discover that the list of differences grows and extends beyond the enumeration of similarities. There is the rich raw material for the construction of the bond, for the exercise of the art of living together.

The key to the 3 differences

But there are differences and differences, and not all of them contribute to enriching the links. Which are? There are “complementary”, “conflicting but approachable” and “irreconcilable” differences.

The “complementary” differences are those that are naturally integrated

You love cooking but you hate doing dishes. The other one washes them like nobody else but is unable to fry an egg. As a result, they will always eat well and their dishes will shine. They will not quarrel over this difference. And the example can be taken to other levels, such as cultural tastes, proposals for everyday life, hobbies …

The differences “conflictive but approachable”

A good example can be the following: one is irascible in his reactions and this often cowards, alienates the other or generates uncomfortable moments in the social life of the couple. The cowering raises this situation, the angry man accepts that he has this characteristic and recognizes the consequences of it. They conclude that for both of them, personally and with regard to the bond, it would be desirable to transform it.

The work of change will not be for both, but for the irascible , but he will find in his partner the most direct and interested collaboration and will be able to ask for help. These types of differences occur frequently and are what provide a great opportunity for bonding and loving sowing. And it is not always an easy task.

But the history of harmonic couples indicates that it has been in this area, with sincerity and disposition, where they have built their most solid agreements and where they have laid their deepest roots.

The “irreconcilable” differences

They are the ones that hardly have a solution, they have to do with origins, with physical characteristics, with ideological and moral values, with absolutely divergent personal projects. A hunter and a defender of animal rights will not be able to coexist. If someone dreamed of an adventurer, but is united with a calm man of his home, it will hardly be possible to instill in him the courage and passion with which he dreams.

Can you live with irreconcilable differences? This depends on the degree of stubbornness or obsession of the people, but the prices are sometimes, emotionally, very painful.

Get to know yourself and the other person

The questions that we have just analyzed allow us to conclude that the art of living as a couple is, ultimately, the art of harmonizing differences.

The art of harmonizing requires living conscious relationships and not leaving them on automatic pilot, entrusted to magic

Both members need to be equally willing to face the task of coexistence. Each one will work for it with their own tools, but it is important to commit to respecting the rhythms and styles of each one.

In itself, more than a simple coexistence, you build love, which is the fruit of a process of mutual knowledge, mutual transformation and mutual acceptance.

First, the similarities and differences are known.

Then, the conflictive and approachable aspects are worked on to transform each other and transform the bond.

And, finally, accept the other as someone different from oneself, not just a copy of me or my wishes or expectations.

On the path that goes from the ignorance of lovers to the knowledge of love, we will be able to develop the art of living as a couple.

5 tips to enjoy relationships

Here is an exercise to explore and strengthen the couple, both in crisis and in times of harmony. It is advisable to ask these questions silently, each one to himself, and then share the answers. This will contribute to a better knowledge of oneself, of the other and of the possibilities of the bond.

1. What are we together for?

Pay attention. The question is “for what” and not “why”. “What for” refers to the notion of meaning, direction, action. The answers can be “to start a family”, “to share the good things in life”, “to complete myself as a woman or as a man”, “to live the experience of love”, “to not be alone” …

There are thousands of answers and most of them allow a new possible “why” : “Why do you want to have children?” Why do you want to avoid loneliness? ” As long as it is still a question of “transitive” reasons, that is to say that they lead us to a new “why”, we must ask ourselves again.

2. The real reasons

Why question ourselves? To get to the ultimate reasons, valid in themselves. For example: “To build the meaning of my life”, “To be spiritually at peace”, “To feel part of a whole that transcends me” …

If a couple stays in the “transitive” reasons, they may find disagreements and become frightened by it, or they may disagree. If you can discover the ultimate reasons, you will often see that, although they are not similar, they have a common core that you can focus on to develop a real and satisfying form of love.

3. How do I want to live together?

This question refers to the practical, to the operational, to the functioning in everyday life. How does each of you propose to resolve day-to-day issues, both domestically and socially, economically, geographically? Do we live in a house or an apartment? In town or out? Do we save, invest or travel? Does one work or do we both?

Here there may be disagreements and they must be discussed. There is always the possibility of agreeing that you do not agree and agreeing to continue the negotiation. The “how” is the practical realization of the “why”.

4. What do I offer from myself?

Here each one must make a sincere internal examination to know what they are willing to give, to yield, to change, to incorporate, to learn, to be able to make the pacts arising from the “why” and the “how” come true.

5. What do I need from you?

What do I need to ask of you materially, emotionally, in treatment, in terms of gestures, attitudes, words or time, to be in a position to contribute what is mine and grow with you?

This is an exercise that can be done with some frequency and that will allow us to have an updated view of ourselves and our partner. It is necessary to have time, calm and, above all, speak in turns without interrupting the other.