The Pendulum Of Assertiveness
The danger of keeping something quiet for too long is that we become burdened with resentment and lose the ability to speak assertively about what is bothering us.
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Andrea had met Clara, a friend and roommate, in a bar on the university campus to talk. She was fed up with her messiness, her lack of involvement in housework, and she had the feeling that she had been keeping quiet for too long.
It had seemed like a good idea to stay at the university, since on “neutral ground” she felt more comfortable telling him what he had to say.
Finally, Clara appeared and Andrea suggested that she go for a walk around campus. They ordered two coffees with milk to go, and glass in hand they went outside. Andrea, gathering her courage, took the floor:
“Clara, I want to talk to you because you don’t take care of anything in the house. ” It’s a disaster. You always drop everything.
“Well, don’t overdo it, for one day you found the kitchen messy …
Andrea was having a terrible time, and on top of that she ran into Clara’s incomprehension.
“Once … if it’s every day!”
Andrea had not realized it, but these last words had been said in a raised tone. Clara reacted.
“Come on, Andrea!” What’s wrong? I don’t think you have to talk to me like that …
Andrea just exploded. Without hesitation, and in a clearly aggressive tone, he blurted out:
“Look, Clara … you have a nose that you step on it!” You are messy and irresponsible. And I’m sick of being a mop!
Clara put her latte on a bench and left without speaking to him. Andrea, dejected and frustrated, sat on that same bench staring blankly. Suddenly he saw an older man standing next to him who was completely silent. He did not know how he had gotten there or what he had heard of their discussion.
The man sat discreetly as the first tears slid down Andrea’s cheeks. At one point, their eyes met and he said:
—Things have not turned out as you expected …
It took Andrea a few moments to decide if she wanted to discuss the matter with this stranger, but finally she decided to do so. Something about his expression inspired confidence.
“It was a disaster, I don’t know what happened.”
“I think you’ve been a victim of the assertive pendulum.”
“The assertive pendulum?” I think you will have to explain it to me …
-I’ll do it with pleasure. My name is Max and a few years ago I also circulated around this campus giving classes. Some student must still remember me.
“I’m Andrea and this is my first year.”
“You see, Andrea.” Lets start by the beginning. What does the word assertiveness tell you?
“Well, something like having the courage to say things, and knowing how to say them well, I imagine.”
—In fact, and more specifically knowing how to say them at the right time, in the right tone and at the right pace.
-I have tried it. In fact, I had prepared it perfectly, but it has not worked. And I don’t know exactly what happened or why Clara reacted in this way.
Max was listening carefully and Andrea, after a brief reflection, dared to ask him:
“Max, have you heard all of our dialogue?”
-I think so.
“Well, I need to ask you this question: Have I been aggressive with Clara?”
“Yes, you have.”
“Well, I haven’t noticed …
-I do not doubt it.
Andrea was thoughtful. The truth is that she was not aware of having been especially aggressive. Max hastened to continue:
—Andrea, you’ve been wanting to have this conversation with your partner for days, right?
“Yeah right, I’ve been putting up with your mess for a long time.”
—And that’s where the pendulum comes in: when we keep things too quiet, when we don’t say them, the moment we do we can go overboard.
Andrea looked at Max in some bewilderment. It didn’t quite connect with his reasoning.
“I’ll need a clarification …
– Assertiveness is between two extremes : passivity, which is when we do not dare to say things, and aggressiveness, which is when we say them with too much force. And this system works like a pendulum: if I go to the extreme of passivity, shutting everything up, I get emotionally charged so that when I can’t take it anymore and I finally say it, without realizing it and as a result of the pendulum, I go to the other extreme and I fall into aggressiveness. That’s the assertive pendulum … and what probably happened to you today.
That explanation made all the sense in the world. Andrea was realizing that this happened to her often. I needed to figure it out.
-And what can I do?
—It’s very simple: don’t load the pendulum, that is, don’t fall into passivity. Say things as they happen, without waiting for it to be a flagrant problem, something that weighs on you emotionally.
“But I always think it doesn’t have to happen again and maybe it’s not worth saying.”
“If you say it right, there won’t be any problem.” And furthermore, the pendulum will not charge.
—It’s something that costs me …
“I don’t doubt it, but there are the consequences.” You don’t like being aggressive, and you end up being aggressive by being too passive …
Andrea got the idea. It certainly solved many problems for him. He stared at the ground for a few moments, trying to absorb this valuable learning. When he finally picked it up with the intention of thanking Max for his explanations, he found the bench empty, with Clara’s coffee with milk, already cold, as the only witness.
