Why Do We Always Believe That We Can Save Them?

For women to dedicate ourselves to suffering for love voluntarily, the patriarchy had to invent the romantic paradise.

Love is like a religion: they ask us to pass through the valley of tears with resignation, and they assure us that in the end we will be able to enter the gates of heaven to enjoy eternal, wonderful and perfect love. But there is no reward, and there is no paradise: loving is not enduring.

Women are educated in the culture of endurance, sacrifice and renunciation with the promise that at some point in their lives, they will be rewarded and will get their prize.

In Princess tales, this is the main message they send to women: if you suffer and endure, he will notice and fall on his knees before you, he will promise to love you forever, and you can be happy.

It is the perfect trap for us to take care of men with problems: they seduce us with the idea that our love can do everything, and that with a lot of patience and tenderness we will manage to change the ogre and turn him into Prince Charming.

Saving the Beast is not your destiny, Bella

Our example to follow would be Beauty, who is kidnapped by the Beast and manages to transform her enduring mistreatment, humiliation, deprivation of liberty and all kinds of abuse.

They tell us that under that monster there is a scared little boy, and women tend to immediately feel sorry for those babies who ask for love in bad ways because we have been educated to care, to love, and to endure.

However, there is no reward. There is no prize, nor is there a possible paradise when we renounce our freedom, our rights, our passions, our projects, our self-care.

There is no way to give and receive love in conditions of suffering and abuse, there is no way to build a healthy and beautiful relationship, you cannot be happy when we carry the problems of others, and they become our problems.

When women join men with problems, what happens is that we take responsibility for their well-being, and guilt is immediately activated: we believe that we could do more, or that we could do better, but nothing seems to please the man who suffers.

No matter how submissive we are, how obedient and accommodating we are: they will not love us more for behaving as expected of us, nor will they treat us better. Rather the other way around: our masochism exacerbates the sadism that is known to be powerful.

Our condition of victim will never provide us with the eternal love that they promised us: it does not matter if we suffer a lot, that we have a very bad time, or that we put all the effort in the world to save the poor man who does not know how to love. There is no reward, there is no reward, and there is no paradise.

Alcoholics are not saved by love, gamblers, drug addicts, violent men do not become good men by love. Everyone comes out of hell if they want and if they put energy into their personal work, but no one can get anyone out of depression, their childhood traumas, their accumulated hatreds, their meanness and misery.

Don’t expect their happy ending, build yours

There is no paradise in exchange for suffering and having a bad time: life goes by waiting for the romantic miracle that never comes. Penelope waited for Ulises 30 years Sleeping Beauty waited for her prince hundred years, and so spend their lives all women warriors and princes waiting for him again, or he changes, or a miracle to happen that take them to the romantic paradise they deserve.

In all the stories, women wait and endure, but in reality, very few are those who enjoy happy endings in which the man redeems himself from his sins, or stops being an emotionally mutilated, or solves his problems to make him happy. to his princess.

And normally, the price we pay to endure is too high: suffering leaves a mark on our body, our brain and our heart, deteriorates our mental and emotional health, makes us ugly and ages us.

We cannot afford to waste our short existence waiting for the situation to change or the other to change. We can only change ourselves.

We cannot waste our energies in saving our loved one from his problems: we need companions who know how to care and love well, who can give the best of themselves in the relationship, who are generous and supportive, who know how to share and be at ease. the height at all times, in good times and in bad.

We are going to demystify love to be able to love with our feet on the ground, to be able to love ourselves without hurting ourselves, to avoid abusive and exploitative relationships, so that no one can take advantage of our need to be loved.

We need to be realistic and want in the present, in the here and now, without fulfilling our roles and without expecting rewards in return. Only in the present is it possible to enjoy love, so let’s forget about the rewards: paradise is on Earth, and in good times you can live with people who know how to love you well.